I don't understand

This is not a suicide note.

I wish I could, I want to… but I can not, will not do that to my children. I will be here tomorrow I am just running out of people to talk to and (and I couldn’t make this up) the suicide prevention hotline went to voice mail.

My second eldest daughter overdosed Sunday night while I was a Troop planning meeting with other parents. She is now medically safe, but sitting in the chair next my daughter, knowing what I put my mother through when I was in that chair, and knowing what she’s feeling now is almost too much.

I didn’t stay with her because the younger two were with their grandmother and my adult daughter was home alone (she has also attempted suicide, not as drastic but I know she was a cutter and I needed to be there. We found out that she was bullied into doing it by people on a discord server, another girl was supposed to do it with her (and logged in to message her 'well, I guess you’re in the hospital now three hours after she OD’d, and she was the one who told my daughter to mix pills).

DCF came with cops at 3 AM, would not look at anything I found and told me they were taking the kids into custody. They are still with their grandmother but I can’t see them while the investigation is ongoing.

I have gotten through the last week cleaning. Manically at times… I put a hole in a wall and fixed it when I wasn’t doing well. DCF wants me to go into in-patient treatment, and I have been rejected over and over. I finally have a place that might take me tomorrow. If they don’t, I know how to raise eyebrows because I can barely walk, the pain and cramping, I can’t eat because my throat is inflamed and swallowing anything solid is torture and I am loosing the ability to focus on anything for more than a few minutes.

The social worker told me that when she came out of it my daughter broke down because it didn’t work and she was still here. I know that feeling very well, it haunts me and it will haunt her.

I’ve tried to write more but I keep deleting it so I guess I’m done. I’m tired. I can’t sleep. rambling.

3 Points

Not sure what to say but that sounds pretty shitty.

Maybe tell her that if she is being bullied online, to just walk away from the internet.

1 point

Can’t talk to her.

1 point

Pretty sure this doesn’t help but… When there’s nothing I can do, I just connect, make them a cup of tea, hear, do more stuff, leave it up to them. I know this is impossible when there’s a wall up, regardless and there’s no way they’ll give any connection back, but it’s all I can do.

2 Points

Use the time to take-care of yourself Q, a little selfishness now will go a long way in the future.

4 Points

Actually said something like that to someone the other day. If youre not 100% you can provide 100% to those you care for. You have to take time for you.

3 Points

I put my own recovery first to be my best :slight_smile: Yes, totally agree.

3 Points

I check into a hospital tomorrow morning.

6 Points

Q, so sorry to read you are going through this. I hope that the inpatient treatment helps you greatly in order to help your children. I know that horrid edge you have been standing on. I know from the perspective of a teen girl, from the perspective of being a single parent, and just from the perspective of being human. This too shall pass, but as said above, if you do not take care of yourself thdn you will be unable to help them. It is not selfish or bad parenting to take care of you. Taking care of you in fact is the most loving thing you can do for them now. I hope and pray that this is the first step into the spiritual, mental, and emotional recovery of you and your children. Blessings to you and them! :yellow_heart::yellow_heart::yellow_heart::yellow_heart::yellow_heart:

4 Points

Hoping Peace of mind, and serenity return to all involved and that you all find a positive forward looking focus to strive toward.

1 point

Couldn’t have said it better than @elsels - God speed, dear Q, do all it takes