This is not a suicide note.
I wish I could, I want to… but I can not, will not do that to my children. I will be here tomorrow I am just running out of people to talk to and (and I couldn’t make this up) the suicide prevention hotline went to voice mail.
My second eldest daughter overdosed Sunday night while I was a Troop planning meeting with other parents. She is now medically safe, but sitting in the chair next my daughter, knowing what I put my mother through when I was in that chair, and knowing what she’s feeling now is almost too much.
I didn’t stay with her because the younger two were with their grandmother and my adult daughter was home alone (she has also attempted suicide, not as drastic but I know she was a cutter and I needed to be there. We found out that she was bullied into doing it by people on a discord server, another girl was supposed to do it with her (and logged in to message her 'well, I guess you’re in the hospital now three hours after she OD’d, and she was the one who told my daughter to mix pills).
DCF came with cops at 3 AM, would not look at anything I found and told me they were taking the kids into custody. They are still with their grandmother but I can’t see them while the investigation is ongoing.
I have gotten through the last week cleaning. Manically at times… I put a hole in a wall and fixed it when I wasn’t doing well. DCF wants me to go into in-patient treatment, and I have been rejected over and over. I finally have a place that might take me tomorrow. If they don’t, I know how to raise eyebrows because I can barely walk, the pain and cramping, I can’t eat because my throat is inflamed and swallowing anything solid is torture and I am loosing the ability to focus on anything for more than a few minutes.
The social worker told me that when she came out of it my daughter broke down because it didn’t work and she was still here. I know that feeling very well, it haunts me and it will haunt her.
I’ve tried to write more but I keep deleting it so I guess I’m done. I’m tired. I can’t sleep. rambling.